Ambiguous Loss
Ghosting? Divorce? Losing the ability to walk after an accident? These are losses that are complex, nuanced, and still need to be grieved. The term "loss" has commonly been associated with death and grief as the sorrowful response to the death. Although the loss of a loved one can bring unimaginable pain, there are many forms of loss that don't involve death that are also important to acknowledge. These losses can include the loss of a relationship in a breakup, loss of family system in a divorce, loss of physical function after an illness or accident, loss of one's memory or personality to dementia, loss of a future hope after a miscarriage, and loss of what was once "normal" due to COVID. These losses are considered ambiguous losses.
Before we start defining terms, it's important to understand why adding these broader definitions of loss is necessary for the grieving process. When losses are not as obvious or culturally recognized, you may not even be aware that you are grieving or that grief is a necessary part of your healing. Being able to recognize these different types of losses can provide you the language to identify, understand, and talk about your grief.
Ambiguous Loss Defined
What is ambiguous loss? Ambiguous loss is a "loss that remains unclear and without official verification or immediate resolution, which may never be achieved" (Boss, 2022). In other words, these losses are without resolution or closure. For example, a mother of a soldier missing in action or a husband whose wife is in a coma have both experienced ambiguous losses. In both cases, both individuals have experienced a loss, but because death has not occurred, they may not know how to grieve. Hence, those experiencing an ambiguous loss can often experience a great deal of confusion, distress, and feelings of "stuckness."
There are two types of ambiguous loss:
Physical ambiguous loss is when the person is "physically absent but psychologically present" (Boss, 1999). Such as a single-father who places his child up for adoption. He will physically lose his son, but will continue to remember him. Another common and relevant example of this is ghosting. When someone "ghosts" you with no clear goodbye, the person left behind may not know whether to wait or move forward. Other examples include: divorce, estrangement, people missing after a natural disaster.
Psychological ambiguous loss is when a person is "physically present but psychologically absent," in other words, "here in body, gone in the mind" (Boss, 2006). For example, an individual with clinical depression may be physically present, but to her loved ones, she may no longer be the same person she once was. Other examples include: dementia, brain injury and alcoholism.
We can experience both types of losses simultaneously. There is also the loss that happens at the personal level, when we "lose something that affects our relationship with ourselves" (Boss, 2022). This is the star high school athlete who can no longer play sports after her sports injury, the breast cancer survivor whose breasts were amputated, or the empty-nester-couple who no longer have children to focus on. Whether physical or psychological, we are no longer who we used to be. These are all losses that require some grieving and, oftentimes, reintegrating aspects of our identity together.
Covid-19 and Ambiguous Loss
We must mention the ambiguous losses brought upon by COVID-19. Collectively, we experienced the loss of routines, loss of plans for the future, and loss of certainty about safety and health for ourselves. Life is always unpredictable; however, the degree in which we've been "on hold" for so many months about so many things is very fatiguing. Acknowledging this as an ambiguous loss may be one step towards reconciling these events, processing our grief, and finding our "new normal."
Loss is an inevitable part of life, and when you are able to identify and acknowledge what you have lost, you can allow yourself the space to grieve. You also don't have to grieve alone: reach out to your support system for comfort or find a therapist to do this messy work with you.
